The Report of Kubrik Chenkov
by awilla the hun
Summary: Concerning the after action report of Commander Kubrik Chenkov; and his assault upon a little known town called Forks. Previously seen on Warseer. T for violence. Lots of it. And for ironic genres.


After action report of Commander Kubrik Chenkov.

My Lords,

My great regiment, the Valhallan "Tundra Wolves", has recently had the honour of purging the foul abhumans from the planet of Forks in the Washington System. This was done with all due despatch, and great vigour.

I recall, of course, that-owing to there being a large civillian population nearby-there were requests from high command that I exercise tact and caution. However, when Inquisitor dan Glokter returned to me with news that they were all reading a heretical text known as "Evening just before night" (a rough translation from their foul local tongue), which glorified the abhumans and their fellow travellers to the point of worship, I took matters into my own hands. Nevertheless, subtlety was maintained for the sake of the small, but vocal community speaking out against them.

Therefore, I only sent in one hundred thousand men, under the command of Captain Sutuzov, so as to insure victory. They were backed by a mere 100 batteries, each of six Earthshakers; and a detachment from the 1000th Krieg Heavy Artillery Regiment, including two Death Strike Missile Systems, and over fifteen thousand Heavy Mortars. I considered this wholly insufficient; but I feared that the town would sink beneath the planet's crust if any more artillery recoils were to be tolerated.

At 1900 hours, the dropships landed near the main concerntration of the Kullenites (or so they call themselves in their heretical manner!)

Seven days later, they had fully unloaded. However, the abhumans were swiftly located; a small scouting patrol of just two hundred and fifty guardsmen found a large group of them, all playing some sort of sport. Inexplicably, a human girl was with them, doubtless taken in by the vicious lies of the Great Enemy.

With an almighty "URRAH!", the patrol charged forward, but not before voxing in for reinforcements. Not even deigning to fire a shot at the Kullenites, they fixed bayonets and threw themselves at them with incredible valour.

When their charge failed, the patrol's bodies rent asunder by the chaos given strength of the foe, the abhumans attempted to take flight. But such a recourse was foolish.

I understand that, once, there had been a decent amount of woodlands around the town. That, indeed, they were enchantingly beautiful. If this is the case, I must regret that they are no longer there, Emperor forgive me

With a thunderous roar, every artillery piece in my arsenal opened fire on the woods; from the very tiniest mortar, to the heaviest siege cannon. Under the cover of the bombardment, the entire company was ordered forward, with a mighty cheer, bayonets glinting in the fire of the shells.

It is said that the skin of the Kullenites gleamed in response to the fire of their lasguns; that they could dodge bolt shells, and take even power swords with little apparent damage. Seeing this danger, Captain Sutuzov only ordered the rate of fire to increase, ordering more stockpiles of shells to be brought up. Reports came to him of casualties; of platoons wiped out by our own artillery fire, and woodlands blazing, and men torn limb from limb. But, fine soldier as he was, he ignored these, and summarily executed the courier for bringing him such defeatist nonsense.

By now, inexplicably, the attention of Imperial Troops in the town was beginning to attract some attention from the locals.

This came in the form of a number of angry people asking exactly why we were lobbing shells at the people they considered to be the family of their local doctor.

They could not be disabused of this notion; so we ordered the Deathstrikes to level the town. Naturally, this may have detonated a couple of our ammunition stocks, and killed a handful of hundreds of gunners, but these things happen in wartime. Satisfied that the local human rebellion was put down, Sutuzov turned back to catching the abhumans.

I am proud to report that, despite suffering ninety nine per cent casualties, expending precisely one point eight million shells in a week long bombardment, and causing several small earthquakes to occur on other continents, he succeeded in oblitering the Kullenites. As I speak, the head of their chief-which remains "extremely handsome and godlike"-is being hung up in their banner. The rest of them were blasted into many thousands of pieces by the bombardment. The human girl seen accompanying them was stunned when a malfunctioning shell fell onto her head. She is currently in Inquisitorial Custody. Last time I checked, she was in at least ten different cells, owing to dissection-but still living, breathing, and feeling pain.

And so, with a world burning, many thousands of men dead, and guns exploding from over use, I am satisfied to report that the threat of more "Evening just before night"ist literature spreading has been neutralised. I conclude my report with the words of Inquisitor dan Glokter:

"Who would read this rubbish anyway? My grox could write better!"

For a more detailed report, I throw it open to my fellow field commanders, who were present.

Yours, triumphantly,

Kubrik Chenkov.


End file.
